“Spiders are scary, witches are scary, I am scary… You are not scary.” -The Flying Dutchman to Spongebob Squarepants

This weekend I was down in Louisiana visiting the parental units. Being that Connecticut has some of the most boring professional haunted houses in the nation I thought I’d treat my wife to a real haunted attraction experience.

Keep in mind I hadn’t been to a Louisiana based haunt in about eight years. Being that long, even with Katrina, I expected SOME improvements to a haunt that I used to think was totally awesome. Boy were we both in for a surprise.

The wait to get tickets wasn’t terribly bad, we got there 20 minutes before they opened the window. They did move the ticket entrance about two blocks away from the actual attraction so there was a bit of a walk - no biggie, I work in the city so walking is not a new concept to me.

There may have been about 100 people in line in front of us. Then all of a sudden a guy came out from behind the barricade and waved to someone way in the back. A large cheer ensued from the crowd in the back and a group of about 50 or so folks wearing “The 13th Gate” t-shirts came forward and were allowed special entrance (The 13th Gate is another haunted attraction in Louisiana) - so now we had about 150 people in front of us.

Once the booth opened the line moved pretty quickly. We each paid our $18 bucks entrance fee and walked the two blocks down through the warehouse district under the Huey P. Long bridge. I expected to see some kind of themed decor but there was nothing but rows of truck trailers lined up forming a pseudo street.

We get to the back where the attraction is located. Not too bad - a paid photo-op with a demonic statue, a couple concession stands, a stage with a live rock band I didn’t recognize (most likely a local band), a souvenir stand, and of course the cue line. We weren’t interested in anything but the attraction so we got right in the cue line at approximately 8:15p.

In front of the cue line was a massive stage setup with a nice stonework like facade. In the center was a huge TV screen showing clips from various horror movies - some scenes were recognizable and some were a little more obscure. Ok, that’s neat… But that wore off after about 15 minutes of waiting and not moving. At this point things started going down hill.

They had a few ghouls wondering about the cue line being creepy. But one of them crossed the line when he directly and intentionally touched my wife’s face in a caressing manner (in that demonic, you look tasty way). Now I know House of Shock has a disclaimer saying that they’re an interactive haunted attraction and there may be incidental contact. Incidental my ass, that was intentional. We were both pretty pissed off. But we paid our $18 bucks and with their strict no refund policy I was determined to keep my cool and see it through to the end - get my money’s worth.

At about 8:45 or so the stage lit up and out came Reverend B. Dangerous. Essentially a side show type act, this man did some pretty sick stuff to his own body including putting a whirling drill, hammering a nail, and sticking a full length screwdriver into his nostrils; stapling a cloth to his arms and tongue; hanging a large video camera from his tongue; and brain flossing with a condom. For his finale the crazy bastard set off a small pack of firecrackers in the front side of his trousers. As sick as it was, the show broke the tension we were feeling from the earlier touching incident.

At about 9:30 the main show began. On the upper stage was the devil Belial who talked about declaring war on god and that the House of Shock would be a training ground for his new soldiers. He introduced his general who turns against him and kills him. But Belial was not to be easily defeated and lived on. The show was emphasized with an awesome show of pyrotechnics around the stage (man those flames are hot) and some decent visual effects on the huge monitor. The stage was set and I was getting pumped up again… The doors opened and people started going in.

When I got to the entrance, security made me put my ankh necklace inside my shirt (still not quite sure why - if I had to guess it be so the actors don’t tug at any jewelery when touching you) and we proceeded to enter. And downhill it all went again.

The rooms were a bit stereotypical - graveyards, meat shops, hillbilly swamps, caves, a satanic church, guys with chainsaws and buzz saws. The sounds were downright annoying, overly loud, and consisted of machinery and high voltage buzzing. But nothing at all scary. The props were all obviously props with tons of poor placements where all the mechanics of the pneumatics were completely visible. The scares were all predictable. There was one room where the entrance was dark and had the usual fabric type barrier except the barrier was drenched in what I could only hope was water. Not only was it gross to feel but I’m sure it was loaded with germs from all the other various patrons - totally unsanitary.

I’ll give them this much, the number of live actors versus props was astounding - nearly every room had a bare minimum of two actors and some with upwards of maybe ten actors. And that doesn’t include the random actors in the halls and the wondering ghouls.

There were many occasions where the things they did just skirted the lines of what was legal and tasteful to do in a haunted attraction. In one room was an actor sitting on the floor, his legs blocking the only egress. You had to literally step over his legs to get out. Anyone not watching their step could have tripped over him and gotten hurt - lawsuit waiting to happen. In another room was a demon actor licking the crotch of a baby doll - offensive and disgusting yes, but not scary. And one of my favorite things, the huge horned demons walking around, was gone.

Speaking of actors I will note that throughout the house I was directly and intentionally touched on at least three occasions: one grab on my arm, one grabbed my shirt to pull me closer, and another grabbed my ankle. My wife had her face touched yet again in the same manner as earlier and had her arm grabbed at least once or twice. I don’t mind having my personal space invaded, the “in your face” thing is part of the experience… But direct intentional contact is a HUGE no-no. If I wanted to pay someone to touch me I would have gone down to the Quarter instead - at least it would have been more entertaining.

Overall it was an unpleasant experience and a complete waste of $36 bucks. Shocking, that they’re still in business… Scary, hell no… Annoying, better believe it. The House of Shock is nothing but an assault on your senses more than scary and I get enough of that every time I hear Bush try to speak.

Things that annoyed me:

* Actors touching the guests;
* Annoying machinery sound effects;
* Poor placement and use of props;
* Use of gross out tactics overboard;
* Potentially unsafe paths;
* Reckless actors;
* Ridiculous wait before the show started;
* No horned demons in any of the rooms.

Things I liked:

* The squishy floored hallway;
* The opening stage shows.

If you happen to be in the New Orleans area, don’t waste your money on House of Shock. I can only hope the The 13th Gate is much better (considering they’re ranked #2 in the nation I would think so) and only wish we’d had gone there instead. And we would have if it weren’t for the 1.5h drive to Baton Rouge.

-TM